Wraithal Issues
by Exploded Pen
Summary: I am not kinky for wraith! Rodney spluttered. Random humour, based around an all important question...


**000 Disclaimer, I sadly own nothing, nothing at all, although judging by this fic that might be a good thing...**

**Well, this is my second atlantis fic done alone and the first with canon characters, based around an issue that has quite literally kept me awake for _hours._ Not meant to be taken entirely seriously :P 000**

"You know you actually have to tip the mug to get stuff out."

Rodney jerked violently, blushing madly as he almost spilled the entire contents of his mug over his trousers. "Don't creep up on me like that!" he snapped setting the now dripping mug down on the nearest worksurface. "I could've been in the middle of something important. Something vital."

"I've been watching you for almost ten minutes," said John, leaning against the doorframe and grinning. "All you've been doing is lowering and raising your coffee. If you want to drink it you might want to put it to your lips and tip it," He demonstrated with an imaginary mug, "that generally helps."

Rodney glared at him while rubbing at his trousers with a nearby piece of tissue. "Ass, don't you have anything better to do than stand there watching me - which is very creepy by the way, makes you look like a stalker."

John grinned. "Nope, I've got nothing. What were you doing anyway? Plans of world domination?"

Rodney threw the tissue at him, unfortunately it didn't go further than five centimetres from his hand and floated mockingly to the ground. "What? Oh, it wasn't important, I was merely wondering..." He trailed off thoughtfully and returned to his seat.

John waved a hand in front of Rodney's face. "Yo, McKay, you're doing it again. What is it?"

Rodney stared at him a moment before blushing again and mumbling something before dragging over his laptop. John grinned and leaned over his shoulder.

"I'm sorry I didn't quite catch that, care to repeat?"

"I was wondering if wraith - male wraith - had...mmph," said Rodney stabbing at the keys on his laptop.

"You were wondering if male wraith had...what!" John asked confused

Rodney sighed and closed his eyes, his face bright red. "Testicles. I was wondering if male wraith had testicles - you happy now!"

John blinked, then blinked some more. He opened and shut his mouth several times but no sound came out. Finally he managed to force out. "Why would ANYONE want to know that! Rodney, are you...are you...kinky for _wraith_! I mean I know you wanted to do that wraith on the Aurora but - oh God, I need bleach for my brain!" He gave Rodney a horrified look. "Christ, we need to get you some sort of programme!"

"I am not kinky for wraith!" Rodney spluttered. "I was thinking in terms of defensive purposes! God, you're...you're sick! Why is everything about sex with you?"

John pulled a face and retreated a couple of steps. "How does thinking about wraith...man bits have anything to do with defence? What are you planning to do? Pleasure it to death?" He looked visibly pained. "Wait, scrap that last thought, there's a mental image I don't need."

Rodney glared at him in disgust. "Colonel Sheppard, if you'd keep your mind out the gutter for just a second whilst I explain, I was thinking about it because if you're ever in their clutches and they did have... yes, well, the captured person could kick out, catch the wraith off guard and get away." At John's momentary blank look Rodney sighed. "Want me to kick you to demonstrate?" He snapped. "Wraith in pain, human run off! You see?" He gestured wildly.

John started to look thoughtful. "That could work... bit of a low blow though."

Rodney winced at his choice of words. "But we don't know if they have that particular part to their anatomy."

John pulled up a chair and sat beside Rodney looking contemplative. "We'd have to find out by actually doing it because there is no way in hell we are looking down some wraith's trousers."

"Oh because that was exactly what I was planning on doing," said Rodney with sarcasm in his tone, "Excuse me, Mr Wraith, before you drain my life force can you please stand still whilst I look down your trousers?" He shot John a dirty look.

John rolled his eyes. "Maybe someone else would know...aww Goddammit, Rodney, now I can't stop thinking about it!"

"Well, I guess it's something to try, you know, if we ever end up that close to a wraith," Rodney swallowed and chuckled nervously. "Not that I want to get that close to a wraith." He downed the mug of coffee ignoring the drips on the bottom and studieously turned his attention back to the laptop. He cleared his throat awkwardly. "So when's the next mission?"

John merely stared at him for a long while, before walking hurriedly from the room.

**000 Please review :P I would actually love to know people's thoughts on both the fic and the wraith anatomy situation :P 000**


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